Up Ship!

(And yes, for the very few of you who may have caught it, that title is in fact a Port Blue reference. One of my personal favorite “bands”!)

We pick up our adventure from our hero jumping aboard the pirate ship in order to save his little sister.

Our hero was about to call out “I’M ON A BOAT!!”… but then another overused meme got jealous, and he took an arrow to the knee.

Ugh.

(Note: “I’m on a boat” links to the Know Your Meme article. The song and video itself, of course, are quite NSFW…)

Anyway, it doesn’t take Tetra very long to start bossing people around.

Niko? Who’s he – my babysitter or something?

Before checking into Tetra Daycare, I decide to try talking to some other people around the ship:

Why not? You realize how fashion works, right?

Uh-huh. Keep working.

*five seconds silently pass*
*explodes*

I finally go under the deck to find who’s in charge ‘till mom and dad get back for the boat ride.

Well, if he was a babysitter… he sure would be an awful one. Imagine him going straight up to a baby’s face and declaring “Yes, little two-year old, I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!!!” …Quite the power-desperate person if you ask me.

So he explains his little test (that quite obviously stands out as the game’s “get-used-to-the-controls” section), and how I have to press this switch and jump from platform to platform, swinging from light to light until I get to the end:

And then he says this:

…It took you two, didn’t it?

He proceeds to tell me that if I make it before that one year is up, he’d give me a prize.

Well, seeing that the game designers likely made the time limit one year so that no one in their right minds would try to wait that long and see if he doesn’t give you the prize… I left my Wii on for one whole year, and then completed this puzzle. You see, I played through everything up until here precisely one year ago, and all of these pictures were actually taken back then. Everything from here-on-out is taken now.

…

…

…

…What, you don’t believe me?

Yeah, yeah, I’m totally kidding – I beat the thing on my second try. A grand total of around two minutes.

Hey, I was right, wasn’t I!

But then the real shocker comes:

 Can you say that again? Like… into this little voice recorder here?

So after that little bit, Niko decides to sneak something of the pirates’ my way. And I open the first chest of the game…

And…

It’s got…

The Spoils Bag!

After our hero finishes posing for the camera, he hears some wonderful news from above deck:

Sounds like typical Tetra to tell me to hurry my butt up there, but hey, we made it!

I go up on deck to see Tetra in a seemingly good mood:

“Seemingly” is the key word here.

After luring me up there with a kind-sounding “Hey! Up here!” kind of thing, she goes hands-on-hips mother-mode on me, questioning where I’ve been and what I’ve done.

Maybe the evil eyes should’ve been a hint…

*shudder*

First a guy who thinks he’s my babysitter, and now Tetra, who thinks she’s my mom. Great. Is mister fashion-man going to turn into my uncle next?

Anyway, also like a mother, she seems to have this uncanny ability of knowing exactly what’s going on…

Okay, I fine; I won’t tell you.

(You know you had that coming, right?)

Regardless, she didn’t ask to search my bag. Guess that would’ve ruined the plot, though.

Next, we get a view of the Forsaken Fortress:

It looks… evil-y…

It does in fact look evil, until you look at all those lights and think, “Hey, they look kinda like party lights!”

Then, suddenly, Forsaken Fortress transforms into some sort of themed vacation party island.

If you don’t see what I’m seeing yet, add this to the mix:

Everything’s just wonderful and joyous until…

*record scratch*

…you remember what you’re here for.

And, finally, you realize it’s that kind of party.

Definitely some motivation to get in there and save your sister.

Tetra’s not too positive about being able to get in:

I don’t care, do something; do anything; SAVE MY SISTER!!

“Anything? Anything?”

Our hero underestimated Tetra.
Don’t underestimate Tetra.

“Plus, it gives me the perfect excuse to launch you from a barrel. Yep.”

So against our hero’s wishes…

He is launched from a catapult, toward an island, in a barrel.

Do I qualify for “Outset Island’s Got Talent” now?

And of course…

You know, this may not have happened if you’d just… done a… barrel ro– *arrow to the knee*

However, along with that, we lose our sword:

Weellllll… great.

After falling a bit (like Kingdom Hearts again…), our hero pulls himself onto dry land. Ready to take on the Fortress to get his sword and sister back, he-

GET’S NAVI’D!

By Tetra, nevertheless.

Ugh. So Tetra’s given me a stone that allows me to talk to her, even while I’m away. Greeeeat. Just what I wanted…

Sympathy!

Nope.

Yeah, you’re probably going to help save my life – and my sister – but… crud you, Tetra. Again.

I begin to sneak around the Forbidden Fortress with the help of another barrel.

Snake can keep his box. I’ve got a barrel.

I sneak past the lights and explore the area a little bit. Things seem relatively calm (maybe too calm) until a little ways in.

There, I encounter a group of enemies. They were only a smallish group – three or four, perhaps – and I thought I could maybe try to deflect their attacks.

They main problem wasn’t their individual strength… it was their bunny tendencies…

They immediately start multiplying in numbers and turn into a flock, beginning to relentlessly chase me. In a rush, I climb up a ladder to a higher level above and watch as they try to get to me by running around under me in typical video game CPU fashion.

Soon after, though… they actually started jumping. That worried me a bit, but it still didn’t look like they were going to get to me.

And then they warped their way up to my ledge and started hacking on me.

Crud.

I quickly run off the ledge in a panic and run over to the next door. Barely avoiding getting swamped by the enemies, the door opens, and Link walks through.

Whew. That was a bit intense.

In this room, I meet my first guards.

I wasn’t quite sure how the guards in this game worked, though, and how far away I had to be before I could start moving again without being detected (or even if the only place they could see you is in their light). So…

Yeah. I got caught and thrown into jail.

…And I really hope thatjail breakouts are more difficult than this in real life.

After escaping my life sentence in two seconds, it didn’t take me long to find another big chest. Was I supposed to get caught?

Anyway, this chest holds…

A dungeon map!
I guess you could get through the level without that if you knew the level well. Still not sure whether you were required to get caught there or not.

Soon after, I get Navi’d again:

“Hey, listen!”
Hey, go away.

To be honest, she did give me some good information – I was alerted that the searchlights I avoided earlier are controlled by some monsters up on a higher level. And the searchlights prevented me from going further in the level for some reason I can’t quite remember… but that means we need to take them out!

That didn’t stop Goofy in Kingdom Hearts!

Unfortunately, Link doesn’t understand how to use his shield as a weapon (everyone’s got their own ups and downs, but it’s kinda bad when Goofy’s got you outwitted…), so he resorts to blocking the hits from the enemies, and picking up their weapons when they subsequently drop them.

Or, there’s a stash of them in some of the corners of the searchlight areas.

Pick a chicken leg, Link.

With some KFC in his hands, he’s ready for some action!

Force-feeding a monster a chicken leg. Hardcore.

And I got one of these Joy Pendants. Not quite sure what they do yet, but apparently, they flock to people who spread joy…

The joys of KFC?

This doesn’t quite have to do with much, but since I’ve always try to post everything I get from big boxes since the first few emails in the last series… here’s the the compass. So have some fun with that.

(This, unfortunately, marks what I believe is the first time in either series where the only picture of a key item I got was without the whole text on-screen… ): )

So after a little while, I take out all the searchlight monsters, and find a way to continue through the level. Only after confronting something semi-ridiculous, however…:

This is a short joke. This is absolutely, positively, most definitely a short joke.

Or maybe a “you can’t reach up your puny arms to grab a ladder” joke. One or the other.

From this point on for awhile, I’ve got a series of pictures that I think having just captions would work well for:

Barrel: The Adventure

Barrel’s a little in the way…

I’M TOTALLY SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. I AM TOTALLY SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. DOOOOOONNNN’TTT….

He walked off…
Barrel strikes again.

…Okay, THIS is the “you can’t reach up your puny arms to grab that” joke.

This totally isn’t a boss fight, and those totally aren’t spikes that are going to block of the exit, forming an enclosed area for the fight.

Yep, there’s the bait sword…

Yay, predictability in video games!

Grabbed the sword – ready to fight.

——————————————————————————————

The monster stares intently…

The Link stares intently…

MONSTER!

LINK!

MONNSTAAAHH!!

LIIINNKK!!

JWEOIJBOWEJAFJAEWOIDJBSDIJLBJAOSJDFOIEWFEWFEWFEWFJOIJOJFWOEJ
FJOWJOIJOJOFJIOJEOJFEWFEWFJWEOIFJOWEJOIJOJJOJLKJSDLKAVKNWEIOW

…

———————————————————————————————–

Done!

(Not quite sure what this orb thing he left behind does. I can’t pick it up, and since it’s so close to the wall, I’m not sure whether it’s glitched or not…)

She’s still here!

…Aaaaand this bird wants it to stay that way.

Aaaand he picks me up…

Aaaaand he brings me to this one dude who’s 99% likely to be Ganon.

Aaaaaand I get kicked out of the party.

Aaaaaand I look like I’m drowning.

Aaaaaand… uhhhhh…

Aaaaaand someone’s telling me to wake up…

Aaaaaand I finally come to…

Aaaaaand I’m on a –
*ready arrows*
Nononono no, guys, I’m using correctly!
*slowly lower bows*
So yeah. And I’m on a boat.

Aaaaand I start to stand up on the boat.

AND THE BOAT TALKS!!!

And I fall back down. Uh, yeah.

I’ll pick back up with normal storytelling here.
Here we have a talking boat that we presume saved our life.

Something about the things this guy says reminded me of a certain character I couldn’t quite put my finger on for awhile. He has this powerful, wise, knowledgeable demeanor to him that makes me think of all his lines being said in this low, booming, yet soft voice.

It was going to include a sound bite of me trying to emulate what I’m hearing in my head with that, but… it didn’t turn out very well. Yeah, let’s forget about that.

After stewing over it for awhile, trying desperately to figure it out… it hit me.

Aslan.

Then I clicked the button again…

Lions?! He IS Aslan!

Our hero’s “tell me another story, Grandpa!” face doesn’t make things any better.

Our wooden friend proceeds to introduce us to the main evil of the storyline:

Sephiroth.

And that “evil magic?” Meteor.

He also tries to pull a fast one on me. Looking at our hero, he may have succeeded:

I am too transfixed in your stories to say no!
Wait a minute… you’re not Aslan! You’re the Witch! I’ve been drugged with Turkish Delight!

Maybe so Link, but from here on out, I’m still going to call him Aslan.

He goes on about how he’s going to help me save my sister and whatnot. We’re about ready to leave when…

…Then how the heck did you GET here?

I mean, really Aslan – you say you’ve been watching me since I went to Forsaken Fortress, and you brought me to this convenient little alcove seemingly made just for boats… and you don’t have a sail?

Witch, I tell you! Witch!

The wind won’t be very happy with you when it finds out that, uh, YOU DIDN’T GIVE IT ANY CREIDT, mister no-sail.

“Like maybe some more Turkish Delight, if you please? I need some more to keep dru- I mean, filling my appetite!”

And that’s all for now! We’ll get Aslan a sail – and hopefully get our hero to go to rehab – in the next “email”, at Windfall Island!

End of Post #2

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No.

Hmm, okay.

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No.

Hmm, okay.

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